LK.yKO

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Loosing my “ho-ho”

I hope everyone enjoyed their holidays !!
I have slacked big time on blog posts. Between appointments, Christmas shopping, baking, parties, it gets exhausting and at the end of the day instead of blogging. I’m sleeping, or catching up on my DVR.

All of my life Christmas has been my most FAVOURITE time of year. It was never because I knew Santa was coming, or because I was going to get gifts. I loved the holiday season for the giving, for the family that I never otherwise see. It was always about the happiness the holidays brought, the decorations, baking with my mom and my sister, seeing all of my little cousins excited for Santa (pre babies and post childhood) i loved how excited my aunt was every year. She decked out her yard and her home, it was truly as if the North Pole had vomited everywhere. How every night since I can remember, “twas the night before Christmas” was read, which has sense carried on. I loved working retail as crazy as it sounds. I worked long stressful hours, but loved the rush. The last minute shoppers and the joyful elders who were just looking for the new “hip” thing for their grandkids.

Then, there was this year.

Since I have moved nearly 5000km away from home, I have still decorated like the North Pole vomited everywhere. My mother in law still reads me “twas the night before Christmas” on Christmas Eve, and I am surrounded by excited nieces and nephews and children of my own. Seven to be exact, all in the same house at the same time.the girls get together and spend a day or two baking enough for an army. We also have a visit from Santa on Christmas Eve just to get those children get home and in bed. It’s stressful, beautiful, happy and fun.

I’m not sure what happened this year.
I’m not sure if it is the stress of dealing with Bubs. Continuing to suffer from a little PPD, having hubs away from home more then home. , going through some life changes, as well as everyone around me doing the same. I’ve been asked if my parents recent separation comes into play, or if it’s because it’s the fourth year I have been away from home..

There was no Christmas spirit. There was no anxiety, or stress. There was no crazy countdowns, no baking. No excessive shopping, and sitting down to wrap gifts was more of a pain then a pleasure. I was so behind and everything as last minute. My tree got up and the remaining decorations remained untouched in their boxes.

I’ve thought a lot about it. I’ve come to the conclusion that I have lost my Christmas spirit. I have turned into the grinch.

Christmas Eve was spent hungover from hubs birthday, rushing around like little last minute elves to try and get everything together to head to the In laws. Christmas morning I wasn’t awoken by anyone excited to get the show in the road. Bubs wasn’t excited about gifts or the fact that Santa had come. Maybe he is still to young to understand since he is still asking when santas coming, I just wasn’t into it.
Bubs and a few of his cousins were sick, dinner was late, and no one else had seemed to be feeling it.
Going to bed Christmas night, in my nice new duvet from Santa in law. I was relieved that the day was over. I wasnt exhausted from the excitement and the stress, I was exhausted from pretending,
I thought to myself, why put so much into one day. What makes Christmas so special.

Then I concluded. It’s not about the gifts. Giving or receiving. It’s not about the turkeys, the pies, Santa. It’s not about the decorations, the lights or the story. The only thing Christmas is about for me now, is the family. The fact that near and far I get to spend the day surrounded by the people who love me unconditionally. Be it hugs, phone calls, FaceTime. The holidays to me are about that. Waking up and just having everyone together, at some point.

People put so much time and money in for one day. I don’t judge anyone who does or continues to do so, but from now on my holidays will be a little different. I will be happy for the laughs, for the tears, the joys, the memories, the mishaps.

That being said I would like to share some of my favourite memories of Christmas past, in no particular order by any means. I don’t remember how old I was when some of these things happened, major mommy brain !
– the first Christmas that my big cousin was home from Australia. I was about 14 and he was so excited to sit my sister and I down and read us ’twas the night before Christmas. As he has read it nearly every year to us on Christmas Eve when we were little.
-Christmas at my grandparents (my dads side) and opening the little Christmas crackers with my grandfather. There wasn’t one hear they didn’t have them for us. We were always required to wear the little tissue paper crowns that came inside of them ๐Ÿ™‚
-My neighbour/dads friend always coming down in Christmas morning with his champagne and orange juice and playing with my sister and I am our new toys. Wow I was really young then.
-how excited we all were to go to Christmas dinner with my moms side of the family. It was always so awesome !

Autism Screenings

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Autism is a complex disorders of brain development. Meaning difficult social interaction, repetitive behaviours, problems communicating etc. People with Autism can have how they relate and communicate with others effected greatly. It also can make it difficult to understand the world around them.
Every parents fear is having something “wrong” with their child, I for one am one of those parents. For two years I was in denial that Bub was “different”. I refused to let anyone tell me there was something “wrong” with him. I strongly believe that every child grows and learns at their own pace.
This all changed when I left the work force soon after Bub turned two. I seen a very different side to him as I was now with him 24/7. Before this, I only had the chance to have about an hour with him before it was time to go to bed before getting back up and going back to work.
Luckily for me, his grandmother runs a daycare. This is where he had been going for the previous year and a half so it became quite easy to trust her opinions and views. Although he was a child in her daycare, he was with someone who loved him and knew him inside and out.
After a couple of weeks of being home with him, I started picking up on everything I had been told before. Sure, before I had seen it, but living in denial is a bitch! I’m a stubborn woman, and I was damned if anyone would label my child. I just seen a child who learned to spin a plate, and who loved bright lights, and who kept to himself and was happy that way.
Then came the obsessions! Obsessed with ANYTHING he could spin. Wheels, plastic plates, toilet paper rolls, doorknobs, fans, anything he could balance and get to spin in circles. Walking through the hardware store he would throw a bit of the ceiling fans on display weren’t on. Which they never were, they were display! Try explaining that to a two year old while his world was ending.
When he walked through the doors of any house we entered, and there was a fan, it had to be turned on. Everyone knew this and usually did it for him. Lights had to be on, and then off, and then on!
He would even go as far as trying to spin wheels on actual cars.
When it becomes bedtime, he needed certain things in a certain spot. If not he would find them and put them in its place.
If we broke his routine even by 10 minutes, it was at least two weeks before it was back to normal and he was happy again.
He was extremely picky eating and would take hours to fall asleep at night.
His anxiety was out of control, loud noises, different scenery, crowds, certain people. I felt like I couldn’t go in public without a tragedy. Things that didn’t go how he thought, broke his little heart. These weren’t just tantrums anymore. This actually frustrated and hurt him.
I was coming to my witts end because he spent most of his day upset in some way. I didn’t know how to deal with this.

I decided I needed some help. I contacted Public Health which referred me to Early Intervention. “Perfect” I thought, I started to see a ray of hope. I had never heard from them for nearly 10 months. I live in a small town, so I was very put off. Calling every month, assured I would hear from someone “soon”
It wasn’t until the 10th month I finally met with this lady. She referred Bub to speech therapy, occupational therapy as well and mental health. In Alberta, you need all of the above assessments to be referred to the glenrose. Which specializes in Autism and other disorders. I had worked with three ladies for about 4 months. Appointments and meetings and paperwork. By this time I was 7 months pregnant with Boo which means I was already tired and inpatient. At the end of it all I was told that he was a “perfectly normal boy”
Now anyone who knows Bub, knows that’s different. He’s an amazing, smart, funny little turd. On a good day. But he struggles, and you can tell he’s frustrated by this.
I was told he his smarter then the average 2.5 year old, he knew his ABCs and could count to 20 and knew nearly every color and shape.

Feeling defeated, I dealt with it. I went above them and went to my family doctor for a referal to the glenrose. When I finally heard from them, they had told me his file wasn’t complete and it would have to be re done.

I have recently been involved yet again (7 months since Early Interventions first visit) and am about to do this process all over again. In hopes I get the answers both Bub and I deserve. I am no longer in denial and would like what’s best for my child and how to deal with whatever it is life throws at us. We are told that this time , there’s a good chance he will placed on the spectrum. As much as I’m unaware of what exactly that means, I’m aware that this is one step closer to the beginning of the rest of our lives.

I am constantly starred at in public, because usually Bub is overwhelmed by crowds and having a bit of an outburst. People snarl and make comments and expect me to scald him. I cannot scald a child for being anxious and overwhelmed as he does not know how to deal with certain situations. I sure as hell am not about to explain to them what I am going through with my child.
The comments I get from people, including my family, are unreal. Blaming vaccinations , his diet, etc. I am no longer allowing anyone to bring my parenting down as somedays all I want is for someone to take a walk in my shoes and see what it’s like

Autism, or whatever this may be, will not define who he is. He is his own person, and we will learn how to live as near normal of a life as we know how.

Sitting in our public health office this afternoon, I seen a young lady with a child around the age of two. He reminded me 110% of when Bub was that age. At risk of being judged, She told me her story as he was continuously rocking back and forth on her knee. I listened with every bit of my being, I sympathized, and I related. You could see the fear in her eyes. She was awaiting her sons results from his full assessment. I don’t know what it was, and where it will lead them but what I do know is I will keep her story close. At times where I feel alone, I will think of her and that sweet boy. I will remind myself that as difficult as this is as a parent, both Bub and I will get through this.

I now regret feeling as if anyone was trying to label my child, I was just being offered help when I didn’t think I needed it. If it wasn’t for my mother in law, I wouldn’t have taken all of the steps Again and again to get where I am now. I refuse to give up on Bub and knowing she is there as support is ever so greatfull

Never in a million years did I think something such as this would rear their ugly heads at me and my family. What I do know if whatever it turns out being, we will fight and we will win.
I will keep updated with his progress as the days go on. All I want for my child is him to live a happy, joyful and normal (as much as possible) life. I am interested in hopefully meeting other parents who have went through this at one time or another and how they deal. I know damn well I’m not the only one having a very difficult time with this

Xx-L

Life After Kids

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Having children is no doubt a life changing experience. it starts the second that little pink plus sign shows up on the pee drenched stick.

Today marks 4 years since I found out I was expecting my first bundle of snot. I remember the time, the place, and the look on that sweet old ladies face the moment I walked out of the bathrooms stall. Sitting at work, it hit me like a bus. Before I had even took a test and confirmed, I had known. I had called my sister, who laughed in disbelief. I rushed to the drug store on my break, I don’t think I have ever ran so quick threw a mall.
I was twenty-three years old. I worked four jobs, enjoyed partying with the girls, dancing until all hours of the morning, sleeping until all hours of the afternoon. I shopped until I dropped, and sometimes drank the same way. I spent my days and nights wherever the wind took me. I truly enjoyed my life. I enjoyed my freedom. I had recently been accepted into a Welding course at my local Community college, andย had been secretly saving before telling anyone. I had been happily single, up until a few months before when I was swept off of my feet. This was because he lived life as fast as I did.
Little did we both know, that was all about to change. At least for me.

I hovered over that toilet in the restroom of the mall, and my mind raced. Those three minutes waiting, were the longest of my 23 years. Then, there it was, a big, pink +. “Fuck sakes” was the first and only though, and the only words that came tumbling out of my mouth. As I exited the stall, a little older lady stood, worried. “I’m gonna be a mom” I said proceeding to wash my hands. “God bless” she said before walking out of that bathroom.

I will never forget the reactions of my loved ones. My boyfriend had other plans, and I soon found myself a single, expecting mama.
My life, what I had thought was over.
The upcoming months, everything had changed. My friends did not seem like my friends any longer, I was growing and preparing for something I had yet to even think of at my age and point in life. My family became over protective. During that time I had struggled a lot with emotions, who I was, who I was becoming, and frankly what the hell I was to do.
Never for a minute did I think of the alternatives. I am the furthest away from being religious in any means, but I truly believed this had happened for a reason. The next few months, as my belly had grown, so did my love for this being I was creating. I was expecting a boy, I had made a solid plan, started to deal with the big belly bump, found the love of my life, picked out a name, set up baby stuff, and everything was coming together. Although, I seemed to struggle still with the up and coming events. As my friends were out tipping back beers, and dancing on speakers, I was home folding baby clothes and reading pre natal books.
The big day had come. After 16 hours of excruciating labor, and two hours of the most insane workout I ever done, my bub was born. When they had placed that gross, screaming baby upon my chest, I then knew what love felt like. I then knew that being a mom was my calling. Never in a million years did I ever feel so sure about anything. Although there were a lot of things in my life I may have failed at, I was not about to fail at being his mother.

I had no idea what I was doing. Fortunately the hubs and I had lived in my parents basement (As situations changed, so did the income) I was lucky to have my moms help, lord knows I didn’t have a clue what to do. I was also lucky to have had Hubs who had a son of his own, He had been down the baby road before. Although Bub wasn’t his by blood, you better believe he was his in every other way.

Anyone will tell you life changes after becoming a parent. Hell, some people will even elaborate and it will scare you.
You will lose touch with your friends, but they weren’t really true anyways
You will be exhausted, you wont sleep until noon for at least 18 years.
You will no longer have freedom, babysitters and grandmas become a treat, not a right.
You will no longer spend hours getting ready for date night, a brief shower and a coat of mascara may make you feel like a princess.
Even when going out on a date night or girls night, in the back of your mind you’ll be counting down the minutes until your back with your babies.
You will forget what its like to shower without an audience, and learn to go fast to avoid the wee one from pointing out your body parts and telling you where to wash next.
You will learn that your children can be just like you. Which I swear is a curse your mother puts on you when your a child yourself, I have a toddler whom I think is more stubborn then me.

Life changes, and as hard as it can be to adjust. It is all of what you make it. I have since added another addition to our family, and I could never picture my life in any other way. My heart couldn’t be any more full. Hubs goes to work, and I maintain the home. Although stressful, I think I am lucky.

My days now consist of play dates, daycare, swimming, cooking, cleaning, soothing, feeding, bathing etc. Some days I don’t even remember to brush my hair, let alone call my best friend or my mom. I see my friends every few weeks, although they are only a few blocks away. We try and keep as busy as possible, although just waking up is busy enough some days. Everyday is a mystery, and I never know what to expect. That is one thing I am thankful for.
I no longer worry about which bar I am going to go to tonight or what I am going to wear. Now its planning dinner, what I am going to say to bribe bub to go to bed, or what we are going to watch for a movie when the kids finally sleep (and by watch I mean rest my eyes for two hours)
The only thing I wish I had now, that I had then is the ability to run on little to no sleep. I am a walking zombie a lot of days, and Im surprised I’m not treated as such and put out of my misery by innocent bystanders.
I wouldn’t trade these long, dragged out days for anything in the world. I truly believe that my life has changed for the better.

Xx-L

To Blog; Or Not To Blog

First of all, if you are reading this Welcome to my first ever Blog. ๐Ÿ™‚
This is my first ever post, and will be a brief about my life.

I have been struggling with the decision to start up a blog for about a year now. I am a SAHM and a pretty busy one at that. Having a 3 year old (Bub) and an infant (Boo), things are pretty hectic. Hell, even just with my 3 year old I was off the wall busy. I also have a wonderful Hub who is often away at work. Leaving me to juggle the everlasting events in our household.

The thought about starting a blog started soon after becoming a mother for the first time. Little did I know, babies do NOT come with instructions. Not having the slightest clue what to expect from this wiggly little creature I had created, I took to the good old internet, I stubbled across a lot of great blogs about motherhood. Some very down to earth, some very sassy, and everything in between. Not only have I found a lot of great little tidbits of advice, I have also realized that no matter what life throws at you, your never alone. So why not take those naptimes creeping facebook and instagram, and turn them into a story of my life. Something that I hope other mommas, or even daddies, can relate too.

I am a very opinionated, sarcastic, spirited, strong personality. If any of these traits offend you, I would suggest moving on. I am in no way going to censor my life, or my thoughts on raising children in this lovely world. I would however, love you to come along for the ride and sit back and try and relate. I’m sure there are always moments where we should take a walk in anothers shoes, even for a minute.

I will be writting a lot about the obsticles we as parents face. From the lovely baby days, to the toddlers and tantrums, what lovelife (or lack of) is like after having children, family life, and trying to have a life.

I hope you all enjoy my posts, and please, feedback and comments are always welcome ๐Ÿ™‚
xx-L